The following essays are either new selections or adaptations from From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Women’s Journey through Divorce. This space is dedicated to addressing the myriad of transitions of our life. Whether you are going through a divorce, a job loss, relocation, sending your kids off to school or any other life transition, you will find something to resonate with you in the words below. Newer essays appear first. |
You Are a Survivor
Close your eyes and think about the greatest loss or difficulty you have experienced thus far in your life thus far, and how you grew from it. Maybe you want to write it down, or maybe you just want to sit with your thoughts and feelings. Allow yourself to see how powerful you are, how you survived that difficult time, and how you became a stronger, wiser person because of the experience.
What tools or strategies did you learn from that experience that helped you overcome that challenge? How can you use those same techniques to support and bolster you through this current predicament?
While you may not be able to see how you will grow from this current situation, crisis always offers opportunity for change. Imagine how you want to feel when this ordeal is over. Allow yourself to imagine how it will make you a stronger individual.
Today I will think about how I will grow from this time. I will allow myself to imagine the person I am becoming. I will tap into the excitement and empowerment I want to feel. I will laugh with the joy of knowing such a strong, wonderful person!
Fear and Transition
In a time of transition there are many unknowns. You may feel in flux, delicately balancing on a tightrope of decisions. Each step feels precarious and uncertain. These unknowns can feel overwhelming and perilous. One decision blurs with another and you can feel out of control, as if any minute you might slip off that tightrope.
What frightens you the most? “Everything!” or “the fear of the unknown!” are common responses. Let’s push that a little bit. What specifically frightens you the most? What feels like the most terrible thing that could happen? Think about your fear. What really “kicks you in the gut”? Once you name that fear, rather than run from it or negate it, spend some time exploring it.
• Is your fear realistic?
Many times our fears are unrealistic. For example, many women going through divorce have a fear that they will end up homeless. While I am sure you could make an argument for how that could happen, let’s look at the other side. What kind of work have you done? Who supports you now? What would your family do to help you? Your children? Your friends? If you truly feel as if you don’t have a safety net, then the next step is to create one. Do you want to go back to school? Can you check out what kind of public assistance is available? When we dwell on our fear, we enlarge it. Focus on the reality of the situation and then possible solutions. Use fear to mobilize rather than paralyze you.
• Is your fear something that has been a theme throughout your life?
Sometimes fears are thematic. That means we experience the same emotions in different situations. Another way of putting it is that even though the circumstances change, our perspective is always the same. For example, let’s say you were a middle child and only daughter and that your brothers received all the attention and you were shortchanged in every circumstance. Your greatest fear may be of being overridden and not heard by those involved in this transition. You may fear that your voice will not be heard. This feeling may not be based on the reality of your current situation, but rather on past childhood perception. It may feel the same, but feelings aren’t facts. Really look at your fear. Is it about what is happening now, or does it reminiscent of another time?
• Is the thing you fear irreversible?
Let’s say your fear is about making a mistake. First of all, accept that you are human and therefore WILL make mistakes. Second, remember that most mistakes are reversible. Third, all mistakes offer us chances to learn. Think of a mistake as an opportunity to learn something new.
•What would you do if your greatest fear came true?
Really, what would you do? Think about it this way, the Dali Lama says problems either have a solution or they don’t. If they have a solution, then there is nothing to worry about. And if they don’t have a solution, then there is nothing to worry about either. The point is, worrying won’t make it better. Do the best you can with what you know and let the rest of it go.
Today- Name your greatest fear and recognize that it may not be all that scary after all. Living your life in fear only robs your of precious moments of life. Name your fear, stare it directly in the eye, then go on and live your life to its fullest.
