Each month, Donna offers selections from her book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life. For more information, or to order the book, see the book page. Here are this month's selections: |
The day after Halloween, the plastic pumpkins, candy corn, and orange candles are swept aside to the fifty percent off table – picked over, broken, and dated. In place of all that orange and black are Christmas chocolates, glass ornaments and tinsel. Aisles of Christmas cards, bows, and wrapping paper take over! If you thought you were going to ignore the Christmas season this year, the magic of merchandising is going to make that difficult! Then come the Christmas commercials that can make you cry and holiday television specials so corny and sweet that your blood sugar runs amok just watching them.
Decorations seem to explode everywhere, along with Christmas music, holiday invitations, and cards. It is bad enough when we think of Christmas as only one day, but when it gets dragged out into two month’s worth of consumerism and sentimentality, even the most stalwart feel a little taken advantage of.
If you are going through a divorce, chances are you have been dreading Christmas. Christmas is no longer solely a religious celebration – it is now an event which honors family, friends, consumerism, success, materialism, food, parties, conviviality, and even world peace. At Christmas, we honor all that we hold precious in our lives. When we are going through transition such as divorce, it can feel as if we haven’t anything to celebrate. We feel we are on the outside, looking in at the rest of the world rejoicing and having a ball. Of course, this simply isn’t true. But it sure can feel that way.
The good news about all this hype is that it offers us so many options. If you have spent your holiday season controlled by ritual and routine, having other options may feel freeing. In a culture where half of the adults are single, new ideas abound. Instead of looking at what no longer exists, consider all the options you have. Of course, you do always have the option of pulling the blankets over your head and ignoring the whole thing. And that is fine, too.
Today I will think about what I can do differently during this holiday season so I am not constantly confronted with loss. I will look at the rituals I have established and decide which ones I need to let go of. Making these conscious choices allows me to be part of this holiday season in any way I choose. Next year, I may make different choices. These choices are the ones that work for me now; I will worry about next year when it comes!
Thanksgiving marks the official beginning of the holiday season. Although usually less fraught with anxiety than Christmas, if it is the first “big holiday” since your estrangement from your spouse, you may be dreading the day. It also may be your first holiday without your children.
Going through a divorce can give you the perfect “excuse” to break with tradition and forge your own way of celebrating. Spending the holiday home by yourself watching videos and eating Chinese take-out (yes, they are open on Thanksgiving) may be just what you need to do! Evelyn prepared a complete Thanksgiving dinner for herself of her favorite foods. She set the table with linen and candles and put on music she liked. Then she enjoyed the day celebrating by herself. Divorce gives you the opportunity to listen to what you want and what works for you. It can be a time of loss of traditions, but it also can signal liberation from those traditions, rituals, and obligations that no longer have meaning for you.
If you decide to spend the holiday alone, some people may feel uncomfortable with your decision. Stand your ground. Know what is right for you. If you need to spend the day cleaning out the basement or making cookies, then do it! Pay attention to your own needs.
If you have your children for the holiday, you may want to discuss alternate plans with them. Some families go to the movies on Thanksgiving Day, eschewing the big turkey for a big bag of popcorn. You can make new choices to fit your life. Above all remember, every holiday is only twenty four hours. You can get through twenty four hours. Next year won’t carry the same weight as this year. You will be surprised when you look back on how far you have really come. You will be able to affirm that the journey was tough, but worth it!
One final word on Thanksgiving—whatever you decide to do, set aside a few minutes to express and feel your gratitude. You can do this in prayer, with your children, in a letter to yourself, or in volunteering. There are good things in your life. When you neglect to honor them, you give divorce too much power. Divorce is not your whole life, but rather something that happens in your life!
Today Thanksgiving will be as I want it to be this year. I can forge ahead and make new traditions, limited only by my imagination. I can even decide to forego the holiday completely if I choose. Whatever plans I make, I will take a few minutes to express my gratitude for all that is good and healthy and meaningful in my life.
It’s a misconception that divorce doesn’t affect older adult children. One of the things we forget is while our children may be adults (and even may have experienced divorce themselves) they are still our children. In going through divorce, many women “lean” on their children, making them into confidantes and sometimes, surrogate spouses. Children, even adult children, are uncomfortable with details of their parents’ personal life. Confiding to a child about a parent’s indiscretions puts the child in a no-win situation. Many of the adult children I have spoken with say that they are shocked and angry by their parents’ behavior. But as the child, they continue to want the relationship. Giving adult children inappropriate information puts them in a quandary – how to have a relationship with a parent who behaved so terribly in marriage without feeling disloyal to the other parent? Children are entitled to have a relationship with their parents which is not based on the parents’ performance in the marriage.
Older children are also affected in practical ways. Dividing visiting time between the two parents, possibly even grandparents, is a huge problem. The pressure of being “fair and equal” becomes enormous. As parents age, children often find themselves in the role of caregiver. If parents are divorced, this role can fall to them twice. Juggling their own lives and their children’s lives, is difficult when a parent or both parents become ill. Some adult children feel resentful, especially when a marriage has been bad for a long time. They may wish that the divorce had taken place earlier, so as to have been spared the fighting and bickering. Many adult children feel the divorce will only be a liability to them now at this stage of their lives.
Then there is the issue of remarriage. Many adult children, who have adjusted to one or both parent’s having a new significant other, wince at the idea of their parents remarrying at this stage of life. Issues of inheritance and jealousy with regard to step-siblings and their grandchildren are difficult issues for adult children. The best way to help our adult children is to pay attention to our conduct during the divorce and remember to be aware of their issues and feelings.
Today I will think about how much I tell my children about my husband and my divorce. Am I crossing boundaries? Am I discussing marital issues that will hurt my children? Am I relying too heavily on them for support? I will consider what other support systems I have in my life and be more conscious of my children’s needs and feelings.
September heralds lots of changes. It is the beginning of the school year, and the beginning of fall. It marks the end of summer. The days are shorter and the weather grows cooler. Winter is on its way. We begin gearing up for the holiday season. Many people dread this time of year because they experience a shift in mood, a malaise and a general feeling that all is not right. They may have Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD. It affects approximately 10 million Americans each year and 70-80% of those are women.
Symptoms include tiredness, lethargy, craving for sweets, increased need for sleep, weight gain, and difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. The disorder, which is a sub-type of depression, differs from other depressions in intensity and duration. It begins in the fall, escalates in the winter, and diminishes in the spring. It has been described as a bad case of the “blues,” but SAD can be debilitating, causing relationships and work to suffer.
If you are going through a divorce, the autumn season can be a difficult one, whether or not you suffer from SAD, because it marks the beginning of the holiday season.
If you suffer from SAD, you can feel pretty crummy. SAD can be treated effectively with anti-depressant medication and there has also been some treatment success with light therapy or melatonin. Knowing that come spring, it will pass, can make SAD more tolerable. The feelings of loss that accompany divorce during the holidays cannot be easily eradicated. During the holidays we tend to eat too much, spend too much, drink too much, sleep too little, and generally feel inadequate and overwhelmed. We have enormous expectations of the holiday season. The media presents a vision of the perfect family having the perfect Christmas. Few families— divorced or not— can measure up to the ideal.
If you think you have SAD, speak with your physician or therapist. Together you can decide the best course of treatment for you. Remember that you are going through a difficult process at an extremely difficult and stress-filled time of the year.
Today am I SAD or sad? Or am I both? I will get the help I need. The holidays are stressful for everyone, whether they are going through a divorce or not. I will also remember that the holidays, like the seasons, will pass in time, as will this divorce. I will get to the other side of this. Next year at this time, I will rejoice for how far I have come.
